Netstudy

Confidence, or lack there of…

Hmmm… so my most recent thoughts concerning my progress involve confidence as an overall theme. It’s something that I arrived at in counselling yesterday, but it also ties in with some of the things that Jon had said earlier about embellishing my accomplishments a bit… and the narrative rewrite conversations I’ve had with Caro. It’s funny how the face you present to the world in one role, can cloud your judgement and reality in another. I’m talking of course about my “seemingly” abundant confidence when it comes to serving clients at the restaurant, or even just in approaching people while out on the town… then again, lack of shyness is not the same as confidence.  I would have described myself as a confident, self-assured person… and yet, that really isn’t the case.

In my heart, I know that I’m great I also know that I have a lot to offer people, and more generally… the public at large (through an employment role). Unfortunately, my confidence has been shaken… academically speaking, my french immersion difficulties may be the first real blow that I can remember, and then i had some math problems later in highschool. I thought I shook these feelings when I left immersion, and I eventually kicked ass in a Calculus class in University… but I can see other manifestations.  Academic hiccups with Blackmore, Kerr, and Parr shook me a bit… Frohmann to some extent, but I was more or less able to pull that one off eventually.  My inability to successfully combine computer science with my undergrad, my social awkwardness and shortcomings in Rez; in student government; as a T.A.; as a Master’s student generally (some of that shit was hard, over my head, and just generally frustrating.)  I felt a little outcast by the girls in the program, and Jon still teases me about how short my thesis was.

So, I get out of school… have a hard time finding “professional” work right away… get sucked into a company that eventually blows up in my face and causes rifts in my family.  (All the while reinforcing feelings of inadequacy, despair, frustration and social anxiety.)

Relationship problems \ insecurities.  Pretending to be a leader, all the while sheepishly following someone else’s lead.  Worrying to much about how others see me… and whether or not I am making THEM happy.   Being overly sensitive to criticism.

The question now is… what steps do I take to build and/or regain confidence.  When actual skills or performance abilities are lacking… how can I improve them.  When I have the skills necessary for certain tasks, but just lack the belief in myself… how do I push through this?

Nap first, then dog park, then in the near future maybe I’ll try to answer some of these questions.  I think I should also do a bit of a brainstorm about me and how awesome I really am   I think I’ll start with the self-discovery and assessment stuff from the cope workshop… and maybe combine this with bits of my resume to produce an exhaustive list of my strengths and accomplishments.  I suppose it’s also a reasonable time to note weaknesses (real or perceived) and figure out how to improve… but overall I think I should start by focusing on the positive.

Nothing to report

Nothing socially awkward to report

Take my dog to work

One thing I meant to quickly mention in my last post, was the conversation I had with AM about Phil. When I go to the dog park people don’t seem to judge other people on their behaviour, though they may be judgemental if your dog misbehaves. The fact that Phil is such a great dog, he always makes me look good… and feel proud whenever we are together. We sort of joked that my problem would be solved if I could find an office environment that allowed dogs. I think it would really be beneficial, and do want to explore this idea further.

Counselling Homework

Attended my second counselling session today at St. Paul’s centre for counselling. Talked in depth about some of the reasons why I have difficulty in an office setting. Some of it is the rigidity of structure… being stuck in one place for an extended period of time… maybe not being able to focus or feel productive… and generally not being able to cope with whatever might be stressing me out at the time. Discussed my inability to feel as though I have a strong niche… given that communications program is spread so generally. Also touched on the fact that one of my biggest complaints with the construction company was letting people down… rationally I know that many things can happen on a construction project, and yet I often took it very personally when people were let down, or dissapointed in me. This seems to be something key… I don’t like letting people down, and I take it very personally when I disappoint, or if someone doesn’t like me. I felt like there was a second factor… like I had difficulty understanding the consequences of my words and actions and managing people’s view of me… but really, it may not be that I lack those abilities… just that I take the process to heart and can get depressed if people don’t respond to me the way I would like them to.

My homework is to take note of the times I feel socially awkward, or do anything to avoid social anxiety or social awkwardness. This assignment came in part from my inability to say whether or not I felt like this (hurt by what others think of me) on a daily basis. I know that it happens fairly often, and yet I do prefer to stay away from these types of situations. I often get positive feedback at work, and if I get negative feedback or something hurts my feelings then I am able to counter it in a short period of time.

After counselling, I went for lunch with Allison. She is such a good friend… I talked a bit about my counselling with her but didn’t dwell on it the entire time. I’m glad there is rarely any social awkwardness between us. I commented to her that I like my little group of friends, and how they seem to accept me for who I am and almost always give me the benefit of the doubt if my words or actions are somewhat ambiguous. I will do my best to keep track of these feelings, even though I’m not anticipating much trouble today… had a good lunch, am going to take a little nap and then get ready for work at mexis.