Confidence, or lack there of…
Hmmm… so my most recent thoughts concerning my progress involve confidence as an overall theme. It’s something that I arrived at in counselling yesterday, but it also ties in with some of the things that Jon had said earlier about embellishing my accomplishments a bit… and the narrative rewrite conversations I’ve had with Caro. It’s funny how the face you present to the world in one role, can cloud your judgement and reality in another. I’m talking of course about my “seemingly” abundant confidence when it comes to serving clients at the restaurant, or even just in approaching people while out on the town… then again, lack of shyness is not the same as confidence. I would have described myself as a confident, self-assured person… and yet, that really isn’t the case.In my heart, I know that I’m great
I also know that I have a lot to offer people, and more generally… the public at large (through an employment role). Unfortunately, my confidence has been shaken… academically speaking, my french immersion difficulties may be the first real blow that I can remember, and then i had some math problems later in highschool. I thought I shook these feelings when I left immersion, and I eventually kicked ass in a Calculus class in University… but I can see other manifestations. Academic hiccups with Blackmore, Kerr, and Parr shook me a bit… Frohmann to some extent, but I was more or less able to pull that one off eventually. My inability to successfully combine computer science with my undergrad, my social awkwardness and shortcomings in Rez; in student government; as a T.A.; as a Master’s student generally (some of that shit was hard, over my head, and just generally frustrating.) I felt a little outcast by the girls in the program, and Jon still teases me about how short my thesis was.
So, I get out of school… have a hard time finding “professional” work right away… get sucked into a company that eventually blows up in my face and causes rifts in my family. (All the while reinforcing feelings of inadequacy, despair, frustration and social anxiety.)
Relationship problems \ insecurities. Pretending to be a leader, all the while sheepishly following someone else’s lead. Worrying to much about how others see me… and whether or not I am making THEM happy. Being overly sensitive to criticism.
The question now is… what steps do I take to build and/or regain confidence. When actual skills or performance abilities are lacking… how can I improve them. When I have the skills necessary for certain tasks, but just lack the belief in myself… how do I push through this?
Nap first, then dog park, then in the near future maybe I’ll try to answer some of these questions. I think I should also do a bit of a brainstorm about me and how awesome I really am
I think I’ll start with the self-discovery and assessment stuff from the cope workshop… and maybe combine this with bits of my resume to produce an exhaustive list of my strengths and accomplishments. I suppose it’s also a reasonable time to note weaknesses (real or perceived) and figure out how to improve… but overall I think I should start by focusing on the positive.